Yesterday I bought a new nail polish at Urban Outfitters. They were having a sale and my nails are finally long enough to show off. Yoga made me stop biting my nails. Enough time in Downward Facing Dog staring at my hands and I couldn't help but stop. I've been itching for a nice opaque nail color for about two weeks.
Still, it was pretty expensive polish.
I fluctuate. Some days I step off into freedom. I am unbound by material things. I wear my ratty jeans and my big brown sweater (again) and paint and take walks and poke around in my potted plants. I give away clothes. I make all of my Christmas gifts from scraps of this and that that I found at the Book Thing or collaged from free magazines. I curl up in bed and read Thomas Merton, and wander home at midnight from a communist dance. I turn off the faucet while I brush my teeth, and only buy Kiss My Face natural deodorant. I grow long leg hair. I walk barefoot on the sticky kitchen floor and don't care.
Other days I am bound. The binding is its own freedom. Soft faux-leather boots, wooden-heeled and stormy grey, arrive in the mail. The right nail colors and vintage pendants clutter my beureo. I feel released by knowing I am right. I know that this and that are perfect together. That my new dusty blue blouse and these black skinny pants are it. Maybe I should run an extra load of laundry just for these two pairs of paints to be the right kind of tight when I wear them again. I love my perfume. I drink. Red wine, margaritas, beer...I buy the wrong kind of mascara and wonder how much of a budget break it would be to spend another $7 on the right kind. I brush my hand along the row of shiny Venus razors at Rite Aid and drop 50 extra dollars on the artsy glasses frames.
Looking at my fingers now, I am glad I bought the polish. Is gladness (read: happiness) what I'm after?
this is a lovely post. thanks.
ReplyDeletei have discovered that there are several different kinds of freedom. the freedom FROM owning things/looking right/being material and the freedom TO own things/look right/be material. i think that real freedom is when you no longer think about it, but live in moderation. i think that freedom is NOT buying things that you don't need, but allowing yourself to "need" nailpolish once in awhile.
and in the in between times, letting it go and not worrying about it. because worrying about stuff that you aren't buying is just as much an enslavement to stuff as when you buy it. freedom is letting go of the thoughts entirely.